Breakthrough: Self-Denial

By: Kolleen Lucariello

One of my favorite television shows is Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsay. Maybe I just like knowing there are kitchens out there more nightmarish than mine. Ha! No, not really.

I do love watching Gordon Ramsay walk into a struggling restaurant, taste the food, and observe the dynamics among the staff—all in an effort to pinpoint what isn't working. Not to mock or shame, but to help adjust, repair, and restore.

As an outsider—and a successful chef and restaurant owner—he's able to see things the people inside the restaurant often can't. He identifies areas where communication is lacking, menus are too complicated, or management isn't working well. Then he helps them make the changes necessary to bring life back into a restaurant that might otherwise end up closing its doors permanently. He offers insight, freshens the place up, and provides guidance and instruction to the chef. The transformation can be amazing.

On a recent episode, I was especially struck by the owner and chef who absolutely refused to hear what Chef Ramsay was saying. He wouldn't agree with him about the quality of the food, the size of the menu, or the obvious burnout of his staff.  No matter what Ramsay pointed out, the chef had an explanation for why it wasn't really a problem—and more specifically, why it wasn't his problem. It seemed almost effortless for him to take whatever Gordon pointed out and place the blame somewhere else. There was always someone or something else responsible.

The chef finally got Gordon so fired up that he looked at him and said, “You are in a state of self-denial!”

Amazingly, I watched our theme for this month play out on this show right before my eyes; and I realized how tragic it can be for a life (or a restaurant) to spin out of control because we refuse to acknowledge, take responsibility and own our junk.

Chrissy and I had been reminiscing about the day years ago when we decided we'd work through Stormie Omartian's book, "The Power of a Praying Wife" together. We had decided enough was enough with these husbands of ours and we were going to sic the Hound of Heaven on them through prayer. Weren't we surprised, however, when the first chapter's title was, "His Wife" and the last line reads, "Lord, give my husband a new wife and let it be me." Say, what? That had not been what we were looking for. We wanted to pray change into our husbands and discovered that God first intended for change to begin in us.

That initial change was the discovery that there is a biblical call to surrender and deny ourselves for Christ's sake, but there is also a human tendency to deny our own contribution to the problems we're experiencing. One leads to freedom; the other keeps us imprisoned. Jesus had something to say about this when He asked: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3–4 NIV).

Notice what Jesus doesn't say. He doesn't say the speck isn't there. He simply says we cannot see clearly while refusing to acknowledge the plank in our own eye. That's the essence of self-denial.

It's more than refusing to admit we're wrong; self-denial is protecting ourselves from the discomfort of honest self-examination. It shifts blame, justifies attitudes, excuses reactions, and convinces us that our greatest obstacle is always someone else.

If we are going to remove the planks in our own eyes first, I think it's important to understand that the opposite of self-denial isn't self-pity, which I have given in to, at times. It's actually self-awareness. And this isn't simply becoming more aware of ourselves, which the enemy uses to lead us into self-pity; it is the Spirit-led ability to see ourselves truthfully in the light of God's Word. Self-awareness isn't about obsessing over our flaws. It's about inviting God to reveal what He wants to heal and transform.

It takes humility to acknowledge our blind spots, but every breakthrough begins with the courage to pray, “Search me, God, and know my heart.” (Psalm 139:23) Here's an important distinction: the enemy exposes to condemn; the Holy Spirit exposes to heal. Condemnation is a tool of the enemy, often using our past—or even the words and actions of other people—to bring shame. Shame says, Hide. Withdraw. Isolate. Conviction, however, is the loving work of the Holy Spirit. Conviction says, Come closer. Abide here. Heal.

Shame pushes us away from God. Conviction draws us toward Him.

So don't allow self-denial to keep you from inviting God into the messy kitchen of your heart. He is the One who knows the reality of what's happening beneath the surface, and He knows exactly what you need to see, surrender, and allow Him to heal so you can step into breakthrough. Maybe the breakthrough isn't found in getting everyone else to change. Maybe it begins when we're finally willing to let the Master Chef show us what's happening in our own kitchen.

Find a chapter here.