Breakthrough: Self-Validation

By: Kolleen Lucariello

When I was diagnosed with lupus, I found myself struggling with overwhelming fatigue, inflammation, and brain fog. After much prayer, I believed God was leading me to seek care through a functional medicine doctor.

Part of that journey involved taking a regimen of supplements, many of which supported deep detoxification. After nearly three years of faithfully swallowing handfuls of pills every day, I finally asked my doctor if there was a way to lighten the load. Keeping up with them had become exhausting. She happily replaced a few of the capsules with powdered supplements that I could simply mix into my water and drink. I was thrilled—until the first sip. The taste was awful.

But I was determined not to let that detour me, so I developed a routine. Every morning, I'd mix my supplement water, remind myself it was for my good, and sip on it throughout the morning. My goal was to have it gone by noon. I was actually pretty proud of myself for sticking with it.

Then one day, as I rinsed out my water jug, I noticed something I hadn't expected.

A thick layer of sediment sat at the bottom. Every day when I washed the jug, there was usually a little discoloration, but this was different. This wasn't a faint residue. It was thick. I had been faithfully drinking what I thought was the full measure of what was intended to help me heal, yet the evidence told another story. The proof was sitting in the residue I had left behind. I had consumed most of it—but not all of it.

Some of the very ingredients intended to do the deepest work had settled to the bottom because I hadn't been stirring them up periodically. I stood there for a moment, frozen by this realization. And then, one question echoed in my mind: What will you do with this knowledge? Would I add more water, stir it up, and continue drinking the full measure? Or would I simply rinse it out, telling myself I had completed the task?

As I contemplated that question, I felt another one stirring in my heart, too.

How often do I do that with the Lord? I can gladly receive the parts of His work that are easy to swallow, but when He begins stirring up the deeper issues of my heart, I am tempted to stop short. Do we settle for partial transformation while the very things He wants to heal remain undisturbed beneath the surface?

That was certainly true for me this month. What began as another lesson to prepare for self-validation quickly became an invitation from God to examine my own heart. As He gently stirred beneath the surface, I discovered there was still residue.

For years, I would have told you my identity was firmly rooted in Christ. Yet as the Lord gently examined my heart, He revealed subtle places where I was still allowing the opinions of family, friends, ministry, accomplishments, and even my own expectations to determine how I felt about myself. Somewhere along the way, I began to allow these to validate—or invalidate—my sense of worth.

Have you ever found yourself fishing for compliments? Needing to be the "best" or indispensable? Saying yes when you should have said no? Apologizing for things that aren't your fault? Comparing your marriage, children, home, ministry, or career to someone else's? Obsessing over aging or your appearance? Feeling discouraged when you aren't invited or included? Replaying conversations, wondering what others thought of you? Or feeling invisible when your efforts go unnoticed?

If any of these resonate, you may be seeking validation in places God never intended. That's the deception of self-validation. It doesn't always announce itself through obvious pride or crippling insecurity. More often, it quietly disguises itself as people-pleasing, performance, perfectionism, or the constant need to know we're doing enough, serving enough, or simply being enough.

When we live from self-validation, we are in a constant state of work, as we gather evidence to support our value. If you're like me, maybe you find yourself building a case for why you deserve love, belonging, and acceptance. Without even realizing it, we become both the lawyer and the witness, constantly trying to prove that we matter.

The glorious news of Jesus is that He has never asked us to prove our worth. He settled that question once and for all at the cross. Because of Christ, your value is not earned by your performance, measured by other people's opinions, or diminished by their lack of recognition. Your worth has already been established by the One whose opinion matters most.

God is calling His daughters to tear down that false argument and live from the settled truth that our identity has already been secured in Christ. This is where we capture our rebellious thoughts, and the breakthrough begins. Instead of letting thoughts run free: "I hope they notice me." You capture it. "Father, my worth isn't determined by whether they notice me." Instead of: "I need to do more." Capture it. "I am already complete in Christ." Instead of: "No one appreciates me." Capture it. "My Father sees what others overlook."

This month, we're wading into the deep through a conversation about where true validation is found. Breakthrough begins when we stop searching for evidence that we're enough and start believing the One who has already declared that in Him we are.

Looking back, I'm grateful I discovered the residue at the bottom of that jug. It reminded me that healing only comes when we're willing to keep stirring, even when what rises to the surface isn't pleasant. I believe God is inviting us to do the same with our hearts.

When His voice becomes louder than every other voice, the residue of self-validation begins to disappear, and we finally experience the freedom of living from His approval instead of striving to earn it. I hope you'll join us as we let Him stir the bottom.

Remember, God determines our value; you no longer need to determine it yourself. "We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:4-5, NLT).

Press on, my friends. YOU MATTER!

Kolleen